Thursday, April 28, 2011

Corrections Officer aka Prison Guard –Z to A Blog Challenge

In another life, I was a prison guard at a minimum-security prison where scary times are interspersed with mind-numbing inaction. It was a great place to witness human nature.

And I have never laughed so hard before or since that time.
For instance:

An inmate came down the stairway, one hand holding his, um, crotch area. A noise accompanied every step. It…rustled.

He stopped and we stared at each other. In the silence, when his pants crackled again, I knew this was going to be hard, I mean difficult.

“What cha got in your pants?” I said, trying to remain professional.

The inmate grimaced and then pulled a cellophane bag of candy out of his britches. It is a rule in prison that an inmate cannot share their canteen purchases with other inmates. It encourages debt and debtors. By hiding them in his pants, he thought he could get around this rule.

He rolled his eyes and half-smiled.

I gave him the stink eye. “You need to take it back to your locker and find a better hiding place next time.”

Now I had a dilemma. Should I write the inmate a violation?

“…I observed Inmate Smith with something in his pants…”

“…Inmate Smith had candy in his pants…”

“…Inmate Smith’s crotch made an unusual noise…”

In the end, I didn’t write the guy a violation. My fellow officers would have laughed for days if I had.


  1. I did a tour of a correctional facility as a juror last summer. I guess you got used to them, and some might be ok, but that place gave me the creeps. You must be a strong woman!
    happy c day!

  2. @ Tara
    Strong woman? Nah, I just liked telling men to wash dishes and pick up after themselves. Sooo Satisfying :)

  3. LOL! I can see your dilemma. Great story!

  4. You must have some fabulous stories to tell but I do admire you for having a job like that and not letting it get to you.

  5. @ Lauracea
    My mom said, "Just don't let this job *shiver* turn you into a crude person."
    Being a smart-mouth I replied, "F*** no!"

    You know, soap still tastes the same whether you are 4 or 40.

  6. Bwahahahaha...that's as good a story as the ones my husband brings home from his dispatching job.

  7. This sounds like a story you could stick in a middle-grade novel. Wowser.

  8. That is EXACTLY why our mothers told us never to take candy from strangers.

  9. Thanks for sharing and I can so see why you decided not to write him up! Funny stuff~

  10. OMG. I can just see the violation report!


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