Jokes for Friday

(Cuz I got nuthin' else)
Joke #1

I went to a psychiatrist hoping he would cure my problem.

“Doc, I’m going crazy. I think something is under my bed and I can’t sleep.”

“I can rid you of that delusion. See me three times a week and I’ll cure you.”

“How much do you charge?”

“Eighty dollars per visit,” the doctor said.

“Ouch,” I said. “Well, I'll sleep on it.”

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. “Why didn't you come see me about your delusion?”

“Well, eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money,” I said. “A bartender cured me for $10.”

“Is that so,” the doc said. He sneered. “And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?”

“He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain't nobody under there now.”

*****

Joke #2

WARNING! Risqué.

 What is the difference between a lover, a hooker, and a housewife?

Lover says, “Harder, harder.”

Hooker says, “Faster, faster.”

Housewife says,

*pause for effect*

“…beige…..I think I’ll paint the ceiling beige.”