I went to a psychiatrist hoping he would cure my problem.
“Doc, I’m going crazy. I think something is under my bed and I can’t sleep.”
“I can rid you of that delusion. See me three times a week and I’ll cure you.”
“How much do you charge?”
“Eighty dollars per visit,” the doctor said.
“Ouch,” I said. “Well, I'll sleep on it.”
Six months later the doctor met me on the street. “Why didn't you come see me about your delusion?”
“Well, eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money,” I said. “A bartender cured me for $10.”
“Is that so,” the doc said. He sneered. “And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?”
“He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain't nobody under there now.”
What is the difference between a lover, a hooker, and a housewife?
Lover says, “Harder, harder.”
Hooker says, “Faster, faster.”
*pause for effect*
“…beige…..I think I’ll paint the ceiling beige.”