A writer died and was given the option of going to heaven or hell.
She decided to check out each place first. As the writer descended into the fiery pits, she saw row upon row of writers chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they were repeatedly whipped with thorny lashes.
"Oh my," said the writer. "Let me see heaven now."
A few moments later, as she ascended into heaven, she saw rows of writers, chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they, too, were whipped with thorny lashes.
"Wait a minute," said the writer. "This is just as bad as hell!"
"Oh no, it's not," replied an unseen voice. "Here, your work gets published."
Q. How many science fiction writers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Two, but it's actually the same person doing it. He went back in time and met himself in the doorway and then the first one sat on the other one's shoulder so that they were able to reach it. Then a major time paradox occurred and the entire room, light bulb, changer and all was blown out of existence. They co-existed in a parallel universe, though.
Rules to Write By:
Avoid alliteration. Always.
Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do.
Be more or less specific.
Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
Proofread carefully to see if you words out.
If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal of repetition can be avoid
by rereading and editing.
A writer must not shift your point of view.
Don't overuse exclamation marks!!
Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors.
Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; They're old hat; seek viable alternatives
An unpublished writer comes home to a burned down house. His sobbing wife is standing outside. “What happened, honey?” the man asks.
“Oh, John, it was terrible,” she said. “I was cooking, the phone rang. It was an agent wanting to speak to you. Because I was on the phone, I didn’t notice the stove was on fire. It went up in second. Everything is gone. I nearly didn’t make it out of the house. Poor Fluffy is--”
“Wait, wait. Back up a minute,” the man says. “An agent called?”
Q. What's the difference between publishers and terrorists?
A. You can negotiate with terrorists.
“I learned that you should feel when writing, not like Lord Byron on a mountaintop, but like a child stringing beads in kindergarten – happy, absorbed and quietly putting one bead on after another.” Brenda Ueland.
“Writing is not necessarily something to be ashamed of, but do it in private and wash your hands afterwards.” Robert A. Heinlein.
“A person who publishes a book appears willfully in the public eye with his pants down.” Edna St. Vincent Millay
“I was working on the proof of one of my poems all the morning, and took out a comma. In the afternoon I put it back again.” Oscar Wilde.
“If writing seems hard, it’s because it is hard. It’s one of the hardest things people do.” William Zinsser.
“Easy reading is damned hard writing.” Anonymous
“Sometimes you have to go on when you don’t feel like it, and sometimes you’re doing good work when it feels like all you’re managing is to shovel shit from a sitting position.” Stephen King.
“I just sit at a typewriter and curse a bit.” P.G. Wodehouse, after being asked about his writing technique.
“Being a good writer is 3% talent, 97% not being distracted by the Internet.” Anonymous.